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And greetings to you, Mr. Derek Sabato! I see you've posted a blog and, while I haven't gotten a chance to read it just yet, I'll assume you, like so many others, were writing about the great time you had during the C-Rex iPay-Per-View event back on June 2nd! Me too! In fact, one of my unexpected highlights for the weekend was the traffic and parking situation around the venue. I'm glad everyone knew that The Trocadero Theatre offered a parking discount for the Gallery II Parking Garage just up the street. It made for a day of ease and relaxation without the usual stress of searching for parking in a major metropolis!

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Okay, so my assistant just read me an abbreviated version of your blog. It sounds like you had a rougher go of things than I did. How exactly did you find yourself in a situation where you could receive a concussion? Interesting...I'm reminded of a story about a bear and a honey pot and a bee's stinger. As a matter of safety, I should probably let you know that there are a lot of metaphorical honey pots in CHIKARA that you should probably be keeping your nose out of in the future, specifically a honey pot with the initials D.O.F stamped on the side. I could continue with the allusion, but I think you get the idea.

So, let's talk about the "excellent job" you claim to have done thus far. To paraphrase you better than yourself, you want to be my beacon of order in this sea of chaos by which I suddenly find myself surrounded. Now, I'd love to believe that. I'd love to believe that you can be the guiding light that will lead me back to terra firma, but I'm not entirely sure what chaos you've actually ordered since I assigned you to your current post. By your own admission, chaos ran amok at C-Rex, and you were concussed through most of it. I don't know what kind of beacon works part-time, but it's not the kind I'd want ordering my chaos. The point really is moot, however, because my beacon of order already exists! Conrad's favorite son didn't spend all those nights at business school for naught.

Through the power of numbers, spreadsheets, charts and graphing calculators, a single light already shows my way through the darkness, and fans, I tell you this, it is bright and clear and in the shape of...CHIKARAbermetrics! Chaos shall be resolved, and clarity shall return to CHIKARA through my expert use of statistical analysis. So, yes, an "excellent job" has certainly been done to bring an end to the chaos - you're just not the one doing it. And furthermore, Mr. Sabato, I'd appreciate it if you, as GEKIDO's Official Liaison, would make it your beeswax to get to the venue well before belltime. This Fire Ant injury seems to have been easily avoidable, and I'm holding you directly responsible for a mess that I now have to clean up.

So, let's talk about ants. Normally, The Colony would be a shoo-in for a berth in the mighty King of Trios. They dominated the field last year and won the whole kit n' kaboodle. But with Fire Ant now on the DL, an opportunity has arisen to show off CHIKARAbermetrics as the ultimate tool for creating superior wrestling teams! So, for this demonstration, I kept the focus narrow, limiting the trio to just ants that have competed in a CHIKARA ring, and made a ranking of every ant's Equivalent Average (EqA), which expresses the production of a wrestler, independent of venue and match variables. In order to compensate for ants with small sample sizes, we used our proprietary logarithm, extrapolating potential results over multiple seasons, and then taking the average. This is the resulting list:

.333 – Soldier Ant
.330 – Fire Ant
.320 – combatANT
.319* – deviANT
.319* – Green Ant
.316 – assailANT
.303 – Carpenter Ant/Pink Ant
.291 – Worker Ant

*In the instance of ties, wrestlers are listed in alpha-order.

Eliminating Fire Ant from the standings due to his injury, our strongest trio of ants, who will vie for the title of the King of Trios in Easton, PA this September, will be the team of...Soldier Ant, combatANT, and deviANT!

Obviously, a benchmark event like King of Trios would not be complete without the world-famous ants of CHIKARA in action, so I'm sure you'll agree with me, both from a business perspective and a popular one, this is the best way to proceed while pleasing all parties.

That, Mr. Sabato, is the perfect example of chaos, ordered.

Signing off with a wink,
WiNK