11/30/2011:
Rarely does a tactical virtuoso the likes of Archibald Peck find himself in such a...sticky situation.
Yet, here I am – stuck in the middle with you. And, by “you,” of course, I mean two giant, ghastly,
animatronic ice cream cones. As to how I found myself here, perhaps we ought to go back...to the future.
On 12 March 2011, CHIKARA’s now-Grand Champion, Eddie Kingston, backfisted me in my CHIKARA debut. Deep
beneath the surface of the Earth, in my lair known as "Archie’s Bunker," I have mulled tirelessly over this
footage, studying the fateful Backfist from every angle. Why, I even contacted the Abraham Zapruder family
to inquire about alternate angles they may have happened to record. Yet, for all my efforts, I have yet to
find any sign of foul play or tape-doctoring. To the scandalously nude eye, it appears I simply absorbed
the blow and crumbled to the mat. But I remember something different altogether. They can never take my
memory...
Upon impact with our brutish Grand Champion’s clenched mitt, I was instantaneously transported to a place
I had never before seen. It took me a moment to gather my bountiful wits but, when I did, I realized I had
found myself, of all places, at a CHIKARA event. As with any CHIKARA live event, a virtual smörgåsbord of
merchandise was on display, the likes of which can be seen at
http://www.chikarapro.com/store.shtml. Of all
the wondrous items, one stood out among the rest. Rather than reading 2011 Update as I had expected, CHIKARA’s
Annual Yearbook read 2015! I had been whisked to the future! In a stroke of genius, I simply inquired and
the helpful, strawberry-haired expectant mother behind the table kindly fished one out.
When I woke up the next morning, adorned in a pair of my sleekest Calvin Kleins, back here in good ol’ 2011,
I no longer had the magnificent almanac but I did remember much of its content. I knew that, if I issued an
Open Challenge at "King Of Trios," Colt Cabana would answer. So, I did just that, studied in preparation for
Colt Cabana, and soundly defeated him. Things continued in this manner for many months until the meddlesome
hand of Hurricane Irene intervened by condensing CHIKARA’s Young Lions Cup from a two-day tournament to a
one-day disaster. In losing to Tadasuke of Osaka Pro, the first deviation from what I knew to be the future took place
and, once the space-time continuum has been breached, things can never be the same.
My life, in many ways, has been a downward spiral ever since. I have been defeated in CHIKARA competition
on more than one occasion and have even resorted to consorting with a treacherous rabbit. My only respite
has been the always-warm consolation of my dear Veronica. I fear, however, that, if my losing ways continue,
even that will grow cold.
So, I find myself here – stuck in the middle with you: two giant, ghastly animatronic ice cream cones. Talk
about a cold embrace! I have lost faith in both man and animal but I trust that you, my gooey goons, will
not fail me. For the love of Veronica (quite literally), we cannot lose on 2 December...let alone against
three pitiful, little women.
AP
|
