It amazes me the sheer laziness of some users. I say laziness because it goes beyond stupidity to the point where the users dont bother to think. Some are just so used to delegating tasks, that the “delegate” the process of thinking to others, which usually falls onto us. I’m glad where I work now, there aren’t as many of those types of users, but in the past, it drove me nuts. I hope this post won’t be too long, but I would like to share a letter I got once that I absolutely love. I hope you all will enjoy.
Subject: An Open Letter From Your IT Guy
Dear Users,
I understand that the phrase you keep using as an excuse may be the truth. The blatant, honest truth. This does not make it a valid excuse. Stop using these words, strung together in this order:
“I’m computer illiterate.”
We’ll gloss over the fact that this phrase is technically incorrect, as computers are not fucking books or a kind of reading. The word “illiterate” does not apply. The phrase you actually should say is “I’m not well-educated in how to use a computer.” I digress.
My beef is that you would never, ever use this kind of excuse at any other job.
Say you’re a dock worker. Your foreman assigns you a forklift. If you suddenly forgot which key fits in the ignition, and used the excuse “I’m forklift illiterate” when the foreman asked you why the fuck you aren’t getting your shit done… how long do you think you’d last at that job?
If you’re a barista, and every single day you accidentally drop a carafe of coffee on the floor, and when your boss asks what’s up, you say “I’m carafe illiterate,” what chances do you think you have of surviving at this job for longer than it takes to, say, grow a moustache?
Stop using this fucking excuse. It’s fucking stupid. The phrase, to you, seems to mean “hee hee, I don’t work in computers, so I don’t have to know a goddamn thing about them, regardless of the fact that my job requires me to use a company computer.”
To me, this phrase means “I am ignorant of how a required tool of my job works, and I don’t care to learn anything about it, and if I can’t do my job due to this lack of knowledge, I’ll blame the tool I refuse to learn about.”
If you cannot do your job with the tools required by that job, I have one word that describes your quality of work: incompetent. Yes, you are incompetent. Fuck you. Either make an effort to figure out basic computer skills or fucking quit your job and go flip burgers, so we can get someone who knows basic computing all up in here.
Now, before the pitchforks and torches come out, keep in mind: I understand that computers break. Software corrupts, or a bug throws an error. Maybe someone pushes out a network change without realizing it will cripple the systems of 4 or 5 people in the company. Or a NIC just suddenly refuses to work.
That’s why I HAVE a job. I fix the shit that breaks. I keep your computers running. Yes, this means I know more about computers than your average corporate peon. No, I do not expect you to know how TCP/IP works, how to replace a hard drive, or which registry key to hack to make a proprietary billing system start working again. That’s my job.
I am talking to you fuckclowns who call me 5 times in a single day because you fucking forgot your LAN password again and when I ask you for your LAN ID, you go “My whut?” again and I reset your password again and you bitch that the password can’t be the one you were using last week again and I have to explain password policies of the company again to your stupid ass, and none of it matters because you’re going to lose your fucking post-it note in fifteen minutes and call me back. Again.
I am talking to you fucking toolboxes who, when I ask you for your IP address, suddenly scream “I don’t know any of that computer shit!”, as if my question was actually how many dicks your mom sucked last night. When I point out that the IP is handily displayed in the lower right hand corner of your monitor… okay, your computer screen… the flat television display thing you look at all day, damn it, okay, when I point out the IP address is right there, in 18 point font, you get huffy and read it off as fast as you can, as if it was MY fault that you can’t fucking read a fucking number.
I am talking to you goddamned idiots who work in word processing software all. Day. Long, but when I ask you to copy and paste the text in a document, you have no idea what I’m talking about. You have worked in this job for six years, but the idea of copying and pasting is still alien to you. When I try to explain it, using mouse actions (because god for-fucking-bid that you try to learn “CTRL + C” and “CTRL + V” over the phone with me), I have to then explain the difference between right and left clicking a mouse. And then you will continue to right-click everything until I figure out what the fuck you’re doing and tell you to stop, because if I don’t tell you to stop, you’ll keep right-clicking everything until the fucking sun burns out.
Nothing in these situations is broken, other than your inability to fucking learn. If I find a broken mouse, I throw it away. If I find a broken process in a workstation, I terminate it. If I find a broken network share, I fix it.
But the terrible fact is that if I use a hammer to get rid of you and your fucking broken brain, I’m the one who goes to prison.
So chuck that bunk-assed line. Quit saying “I’m computer illiterate.” If you’ve been saying this, either learn to use one, or go flip burgers. Please. Because right now, all you’re doing is fucking up someone else’s job by being a stupid, stupid asshole. Learn what your LAN ID is. Learn what “application” means. Learn to actually follow directions, instead of assuming that a phone call to IT means you can turn off your fucking brain. Make the world a better place by understanding the contraption you’ve been given to use by, and for, the company.
Love and kisses,
Your Help Desk
